You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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