if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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