We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize