Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
is that a dick in a sweater?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
