remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
how drunk are you?
Several
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
