I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
