When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
