Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
