There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
