I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
