my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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