you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
