If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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