I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
