Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i've created a new STD.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
