Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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