there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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