im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
