Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
