I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
