By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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