Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
