I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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