Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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