dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
