Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The air was thick with penises
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize