thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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