I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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