my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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