Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
