why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
