Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
