The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No more Irish car bombs ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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