She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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