if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
