Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize