So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
