I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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