I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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