my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
