I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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