don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
