My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
