Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
