Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
