Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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