Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
