is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
