I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
