took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize