I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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