It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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