One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
