so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
