dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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