puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
