i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
