Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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