the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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